Main Points to: "Listening"
Listen
When
I ask you to listen to me,
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When
I ask you to listen to me,
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When
I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you
have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen: All that I ask is that you
listen,
not talk or do – just hear me.
When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I can
quit trying to convince you and get about that business of understanding what’s
behind those feelings.
So,
please listen and just hear me.
And,
if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn –
and I’ll listen to you.
- Author Unknown
LISTENING
Listening comes from the
English word meaning to wait in suspense. Listening is different from just
hearing what is being said.
Many times we know the
skills of listening, but the information has not moved past intellectual
knowledge to our behavior.
Active, Total or Attentive listening brings
about changes in people’s attitudes towards themselves and others, and also
brings about changes in their basic values and personal philosophy. People who
have been listened to in the special way of active or total listening become
more emotionally mature, more open to their own experiences, less defensive,
more democratic and less authoritative.
Active listening is both an art and a
skill. It begins with a stance of respect, humility and attention while another
is speaking and involves non-verbal as well as verbal behaviors. Facilitators
need to listen to their internal clues to learn useful moments for clarifying
information in a sharing/discussion. They also need to be careful not to
overuse listening interventions in ways that could interrupt an effective flow
among participants who are already listening well to one another.
We need to work on our
listening skills. Remember listening is a skill.
Jesus did not know or sense
what was in people’s hearts. He did not automatically know what people were
thinking and feeling just because he was the Son of God. He had learned to
listen. He had learned to search eyes and notice behavior. He reflected,
he prayed. He had developed the kind of personal sensitivity to people that
comes from the hard work of listening. Listening brought Jesus insight and
self-discovery. Isn’t that what happens when we listen that way?
Workshop
on Listening Skills
There are 3 stages of listening, attending,
following and responding.
ATTENDING: paying close
attention, being in touch
This stage of listening demands a conscious choice to expand
awareness. It is a journey past our ears and involves our heart. Attending is
from the Greek word diakonos, the technical term for ministry. In a very real
sense to be attentive and to listen in this way is to minister.
FOLLOWING:
staying with another
Following is doing everything possible to enable the other to
reveal his/her world to us.
When Jesus asked his disciples to “follow him,” he was not asking
them to step in line and walk in his tracks. He was asking for companionship.
Interrupting, diverting with questions and giving advice all
interfere with following. When we follow someone, we stay out of the way. We
simply stay there.
RESPONDING:
Responding with understanding completes the listening process.
One of
the greatest gifts we can give to another is the gift of understanding. It
forms the basis of true friendship and lies at the heart of listening. An
appropriate and understanding response solidifies trust and promotes long
lasting interpersonal ties. Responding with understanding gives people the
feeling that we are with them. When our response reflects understanding and
nonjudgement, the foundation for trust and friendship has been laid. There is
nothing in interpersonal interaction quite so energizing as the feeling of being
heard and the experience of being understood.
SUMMARY
Critical to the whole listening process is self-reflection. If
we never stop to take a close look at our own style of talking, expressing
feelings, dealing with conflict, or interacting with others, the chances are
great that there is at least one dimension to our behavior that makes it
difficult for us to listen well. It is impossible to be a good listener for
other people if we do not listen to what our own behavior is saying.
It is reflection and prayer that is the constant companion to the
listening process. Reflection readies us to give every part of our being to
listening. It sharpens our perception so all messages capture our attention.
Reflection helps us to achieve that necessary and delicate
balance between being self-centered and other centered. It teaches us when to
cross to the other side of the lake to get away and when to stay with the
crowds.
A Listening
Skills Evaluation
How much do I talk? too much? too little?
How frequently do I interrupt when others
are speaking?
What does my body posture say to people?
What do my facial expressions say? Am I
conscious of what my face is saying?
Do I always have to have the last word?
How do I let others know what my needs are?
Am I dependent? manipulative? possessive?
controlling? warm? caring? available?
How do I act when I am angry? jealous?
lonely? insecure? threatened? happy? excited?
Are my feelings and my behavior congruent?
Does what I feel on the inside match or fit with what I am saying?
Do I experience and live a real
relationship between my Christian values and my treatment of people?
References: Facilitating for Growth –
Barbara J. Fleischer
Words Made Flesh –
Fran Ferder
DRIVING VS LISTENING
Key Words: auto pilot, familiar,
comfortable, routine
anticipated response,
distracted, assuming,
change of focus,
accustomed, presuming,
unexpected move/open to
change
New Questions
With all this being said, attending,
following and responding, when do you as a PF know when and how to move past
listening?
Can anyone recall a time when total
listening became ministry?
Old Questions
WHICH STAGE OF ACTIVE LISTENING IS MOST
DIFFICULT FOR YOU?
EASY FOR YOU?
WHAT AWARENESS OR SKILLS DO YOU RELY ON
TO CREATE THE BALANCE WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT?
SHARE A POSITIVE CHARACTERIC ABOUT YOUR
SCC’S LISTENING ABILITY. SHARE A CONCERN?
| 
